Robert E. Brown. The Office of Misfit Toys III.

Snore Torture

The weather was merciless that winter and the snow just kept piling up. The t.v. stations announced a major storm's arrival which created a special problem for the transfer agency. The FCC mandated that if the stock market was open, the transfer agencies and their call centers needed to be too. Philly's storm was not New York's problem. The company's solution was to sequester several teams in the hotel across the street from the call center to insure employees wouldn't get stuck in the snow and could staff the day shift. They drew lots and the misfit toys night crew were one of the teams required to sleep over and work the day. Christianne dropped me off like a little kid sent off to a shitty winter camp.

I got to the hotel late, around 8 pm and the rooms had already been assigned. I was the last of the stragglers and Tori was waiting for me in the lobby. She smugly handed me a key. "You room with Jamal" she smirked and bounded off down the hall, leaving me standing alone staring at my room number.

I got to my room and found Jamal already ensconced in his bed with his shirt and pants off, wafting a pungent oder from the folds of hard to reach fat that were already pooling sweat in a room he set cold in the dead of winter. He was surrounded with enough junk food supplies to last an average man a month. I figured I was spared from awkward tedious conversation because he was on the phone and really into his snack cakes. I was fighting a horrible cold and looked forward to an hour of basic cable and then sleep without having to be social. But Jamal wasn't used to being away from his family and was on a conference call with them and his preacher. His loud, mouth breathing voice boomed through the room and overpowered the t.v.
"Praise Jesus... Yes mama I do know... Oh his will be done... Praise Jesus... Lordy, lordy uh huh... PRAISE Jesus... I feel it, mmm hmmm praise Jesus...."
This went on for two hours. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling praying Jesus would shut Jamal up so I could sleep. Finally at some point, the sick and miserable in me overpowered my mind and I drifted off.

I woke up to a horrible sound. It was 2 am and Jamal was sleeping... and SNORING. Do you know what a 500 lb. man sounds like when he snores? The furniture was literally shaking. The pillows went over the ears. Then tissue in the ears under the pillows. I could feel the snores vibrating in the room. It was like trying to sleep next to a demolition site. I tried waking him. Jamal. Jamal! JAMAL!!! He couldn't hear me over his own breathing. By 4 am I left the room and wandered the halls, then the parking lot snow. Finally around 5 am I snuck onto a couch in the lobby and slept for an hour before the clerk discovered me and sent me back to my torture chamber. At 6:45 am Jamal woke up to find me sitting in the corner of the room staring at him like a serial killer. "Uh, hey Robert, you're up early" he said nervously.
"You snore Jamal." I said expressionless in a monotone voice.
"Oh uh, my bad, uh, I forgot to wear my snore guard"
I continued to blankly stare.
"Yeah uh, my bad..."
and he proceed to start getting ready for work.

He was too big to fit in the tub so his hygiene method consisted of dousing a wash cloth with a quart sized bottle of cheap cologne and wiping down the within reach fat folds of his near naked body. The stink from the cheap cologne only mixed with the stink from the body oder and nausea began mixing in with my cold and fatigue. For once the grey cubical cavern seemed like a sanctuary.

Since the center was only half staffed, the ding ding ding of the ticker was even more merciless and I was sick, exhausted and completely delirious. The weather still hadn't broke and we were informed that we were to stay another night. The whole region was snowed in and shut down, but the lords of the agency were thoughtful enough to provide us with prepackaged lunch and dinner. Cold wrapped hoagies and plain potato chips for both.

"No you can't switch rooms" Tori smirked after I pleaded my case.
"Don't be a pussy. Just knock yourself out" and she handed me some Nyquil gel caps. So after work I limped back to the foul rotten meat cologne stinking room for round two, armed with my stale hoagie and a fist full of cold meds. Counting the minutes until I knocked myself out.

The night started out the same. "Praise Jesus... He IS the power... Praise Jesus... Yes Momma, lord have mercy praise Jesus..."
But this time I had a plan and I deliriously giggled to myself as I clutched the Nyquil caps in my hand while fighting the urge to pop them too early. Tonight, tonight I would SLEEP. I popped all three of them and the effects of the meds mixed into my already exhausted system and I felt myself gloriously fade away to the words of... "Praise Jesus..."

And I woke up to a horrible sound. I sat up almost in tears. What the fuck??? The snore guard was on his nose and it didn't make a bit of difference. It was only 2:30 in the morning. "JAMAL! JAMAAAALLL!!!" No response. I seriously contemplated punching him in the head. Would that be an HR incident? The paper went back in the ears. The pillows over the head. No good. I turned on the t.v. I turned the t.v. to an empty static channel. I turned the volume up. I pumped it louder then louder hoping the steady white noise would drown out the snoring or wake him. Finally I climbed on the floor, wrapped the pillow around my ears, wedged my head underneath the bed and pulled the blankets on top of me. This along with the wads of tissue and the blaring white noise from the t.v. finally worked and I drifted off to glorious sleep,

I came back out of my magnificent oblivion from a strange poke to my side. When I opened my eyes I was a little disoriented from the sensory depravation cocoon I had constructed. I pried my head out from under the bed and pulled the blankets off. Jamal was sitting up in bed with his cain in hand, staring at me in horror. He had woke up in the morning to find me on the floor half under the bed with my legs sticking out from underneath a pile of blankets. He had been struggling with the cain to pull the bedding off my corpse from where he sat. The t.v. static was still on and defining loud and I reached over flipping off the power.
"Hey Jamal, what's up?" I asked upbeat and nonchalant.
"Uh, Rob man, are you o.k? he asked nervously.
"Well yeah. I've never been better." I responded and went to the bathroom to shower.

I was still sick, still sleep deprived but the news that the roads were clear and my knowledge that I was going to disappear from that place within a week made even the blaring ding ding ding and the shitty angry callers strangely bearable that day. Towards the end of the shift I was walking back from the restroom. Tyrone was standing at Jamal's cubical talking to him and I could hear them as I approached from behind.
"I mean who knows what's wrong with that crazy motherfucker. You don't know WHAT he was doing. I'm glad he wasn't in my room." Tyrone said to Jamal.
"Hey guys, what's up?" I said smiling and they went awkwardly silent and stared as I sat down at my desk.
Tyrone leaned down closer to Jamal trying to be quiet.
"You lucky it's over."
"I know man" Jamal whispered "Praise Jesus."



My Company